I have been anticipating this post for more than a week now - writing bit by bit in a seemingly incongruous order. I should just learn how to process out loud, but that is not really my style.
I have been thinking about where I am and where I should be. Who I am and who I should be. What I am thinking about and what I should be thinking about. In my heart, I feel that I am off. I am not sure how else to describe it. Not necessarily wrong or out of place, but off.
In my attempts to beat "culture shock" to the punch and anticipate where it might appear, I think I have set myself up in a virtual world that is not true.
I wanted to be so different. To be changed by what I have seen and experienced and developed as a new lifestyle. I thought that I might have trouble relating back to this culture. But I haven't. I cannot say that I feel different, that I think differently and act differently. It is like life (the life that I had before this past six-month stint) barely skipped a beat. I find myself upset that I fit too easily into the groove. Time change proved not even an obstacle, Wal-mart was no shock, driving was no big transition, and busyness seems natural and comforting. I wanted to be so world/global focused, with newly learned and honed compassions towards the hurting, the broken, the downcast, or downtrodden. But I can only see my self-focus. And I see others' prayerful concern for the nations. Where is my heart and mind?
Why is no transition-based anxiety bringing me anxiety? I did not foresee a depression that is based on the fact that I am not "rightly" depressed. Funny how my mind works.
1 comment:
Tami, you are too funny. The depression can be real after coming back -- it is part of the culture shock that you don't realize is happening anyway. Because you have seen poverty world over already you aren't processing it the same way this time. You had some funny moments (read culture shock) like asking if the water is purified. In addition, you did bring some heart changes back to your sister and others when you asked why drive 1/2 a mile to walk and then drive back from the walk. These are "hidden" from you because you have been there and here before. You are blessed to walk in both worlds, the haves and the have nots.
May you know God's peace. R
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