who knows what I am thinking

I have been negligent in blogging for some time. As a person who processes internally, journaling is a fantastic way for what I work out and work through to become "real". I have not even opened the pages to my journal since shortly after my return from abroad. I do not know why I do not write - is it a refusal, or me simply leaving no time because I am, once again, busy with commitments that fill each week, or maybe right now the journal season has waned for me? Whatever the case, without this important step, stuff - thoughts, questions, worries, insights, trivia - stays in my head. It is hard for me to create words from abstractions and feelings and parcels of put-together expressions. Hard not necessarily as in difficult, but as in time consuming.

All of this affects the state of this blog, for one, because I simply do not have complete thoughts to share. But also in another way - sharing with others verbally. "How am I?" "What is going on with me?" even "What are your prayer requests?" I don't know, I haven't asked myself.

On a very side note: I have noticed two (probably more, but I no longer remember) things that have made me smile while running around town. I notice more and more motorcyclists on the roads with their beautiful bikes. I do not know why, but it makes me smile. The second is the Indian population that I am seeing. I go to the grocery store or Walmart or driving and I see salwar kamis suits with those choking hazards that is known as a dupata (all of this is typical Indian women dress). What a lovely reminder. It makes me want to go up to these unsuspecting females and just thank them (and probably scare them in or at least confuse them considerably).

to grandmother's house we go

Right now is a lazy Saturday. The smell of bacon drifting out of the kitchen to where I sit on a recliner.
So my sister and I took off the end of this week to head up to the 'Big Country' in Abilene, TX to hang with my dad's family - my uncle and aunt and cousins and grandmother. This visit/stay is important to me because I have not seen these loved ones since my dad's funeral, a little less than a year and a half ago. I enjoyed most just being able to join my two youngest cousins in their lives and sitting with my grandmother and just chatting. Mema (what we all call her) had hip replacement surgery while I was in India ... so she looks amazing - much more well and youthful than I last saw her.
We also had a fun night when my junior in high school cousin came home after cheerleader stuff and remembered that she still needed to put together her spirit bag for her buddy football player. We stayed up until 2am baking brownies and cookies and just being goofy. Then the next morning (in reality, a few hours later) we went to her pep rally to encourage and support.
This proved to be a fantastic opportunity before I start back to work after Labor Day Monday.
My Sabbath is almost over here. Rest is nice; Reconnecting is better. Life is good.

memory is like __... what's it called?

My ability to remember is contingent on my willingness to write or record life.

Sometimes I think that I am so absentminded that if it were not for my calendar at hand and people (like my sister) to remind me that 'hey, rent is due,' I would be oblivious to large subtleties of life - say like being aware that I have not eaten all day (which I foresee happening once I again claim the busyness of life I was once so proud of).

All of this is to say that I am disappointed in my journaling efforts, either blogging or handwritten. I find myself in trains of thought as I work out things of faith, feelings of confusion or frustration, and revelations of God's good work ... but I neglect to record. And I know myself. I am not going to remember my mental, emotional, spiritual states that I have gone through this past month and the coming months unless I can turn back the pages of my mind a year down the road, a lifetime ahead and have a tangible witness of faith and God's ultimate faithfulness.

It is amazing to me, when I read what I have written during my time in India, the preparation of that step of faith and obedience, and the few years even before that when I became an earnest journaler. And yet, I am not spilling heart and mind on paper.

lovely ladies

This week, while at my sister's place in Seadrift, TX (right on the gulf coast), I have had the privilege to spend a bit of time with two different small groups from my sister's two different churches. The first, Monday evening, was a bible study of 29 ladies. I was invited to join them at church the previous day.

Being with this group made me aware of something that I had not realized previously. Besides the grandma chatter around the table about grandkids, kids, and friends, they brought up some very deep questions. I knew that many in and around my generation are more certain that truth is relative, and Christianity's view of only one way to God (i.e. Jesus) is arrogant, narrow minded, or just plain mean. But two generations above me are also questioning ("maybe there is more than one way up the mountain?") and pained with the idea that those who do not accept Christ are ... well, not with God in eternity. I was not quite sure how I wanted to respond to these gentle, earnest, compassionate grandmothers of the faith - except that I know what the Bible says, and I trust it as truth.

The second group of ladies I met this afternoon for their small group. There were five of us total, the oldest being in the upper 80s years old. I did my first India presentation. After that, we just sat around the dining room table and talked. One of the ladies commented that she never knew India was that beautiful - in a wonderfully amazed tone. I was even nearing the point of tears during one section. Overall, a good presentation (for me to see what to edit and them to "travel" to India) and fun with grandmas.

I am glad that I was asked to join in with these two groups of ladies, and learn and live and love with them for this moment.

Next presentation: I think in Austin at my sister's previous church - the church council ... or maybe to my work ... or maybe to my supporters/friends somewhere, some time. How's that for planning?

non-culture-shock culture-shock

I have been anticipating this post for more than a week now - writing bit by bit in a seemingly incongruous order. I should just learn how to process out loud, but that is not really my style.

I have been thinking about where I am and where I should be. Who I am and who I should be. What I am thinking about and what I should be thinking about. In my heart, I feel that I am off. I am not sure how else to describe it. Not necessarily wrong or out of place, but off.

In my attempts to beat "culture shock" to the punch and anticipate where it might appear, I think I have set myself up in a virtual world that is not true.

I wanted to be so different. To be changed by what I have seen and experienced and developed as a new lifestyle. I thought that I might have trouble relating back to this culture. But I haven't. I cannot say that I feel different, that I think differently and act differently. It is like life (the life that I had before this past six-month stint) barely skipped a beat. I find myself upset that I fit too easily into the groove. Time change proved not even an obstacle, Wal-mart was no shock, driving was no big transition, and busyness seems natural and comforting. I wanted to be so world/global focused, with newly learned and honed compassions towards the hurting, the broken, the downcast, or downtrodden. But I can only see my self-focus. And I see others' prayerful concern for the nations. Where is my heart and mind?

Why is no transition-based anxiety bringing me anxiety? I did not foresee a depression that is based on the fact that I am not "rightly" depressed. Funny how my mind works.

meet my new love

So I finally got to pick up my bike yesterday. I actually bought it last week, but alas, Hurricane Dolly while making an appearance on the gulf coast of Texas, inhibited me from taking it home. Then I was out of town (in San Antonio) and so finally, after much anticipation ... my motorcycle.

I still need a name for it though. While in India, I decided on Priya (which in Hindi means lovely), but this bike does not look like a Priya.

I admittedly was nervous taking it home. I have not ridden a motorcycle in six months and I kept thinking of ways that I could make a fool of myself or drop the bike or crash. I did stall out twice before leaving the parking lot, but got use to the clutch and throttle combination again.

Next accessory to buy: wind screen. Going above 50 mph produces an incredible amount of force on the driver. When I got up to 70 mph on the drive back to Seadrift from Victoria (where I bought it), I was literally holding on the bike so that I would not blow off. I even lifted up my foot and had trouble getting it back on its peg. Wow.

But at the very end of my hour journey home on my new bike, I became an idiot. I touched my exhaust pipe to wipe something off. And burned my hand. It blistered immediately and was painful all night. Here's to stupidity.

not in India any more

So these are various statements that I have made that have caused my sister to do a double-take, and then laugh with understanding. These might mean absolutely nothing to you, and I am sorry that you are missing out.


Me: "Wow, the cows are on the other side of the fence!"
Kelli: "Of course they are." (spoken with a very confused tone)
Me: "I guess they will no longer cause a traffic jam."
__________
Kelli: "You might see people walking with a stick."
Me: "Is that their monkey beating stick?"
__________
Me to U.S. airline steward: "Is this water purified?"
__________

Me (after using a washing machine): "Wow, actually my beanie (stocking cap) is already dry."

Kelli (after feeling my beanie): "It's not dry. Though I guess it is more dry than any clothing you have had for a while." (remembering that it is still the rainy season (monsoon) in Northern India and has been since May/June)

__________

Kelli: "Let's go for a walk on the coast. I'll get my car keys."

Me: "Keys? How far is it again to the coast?"

Kelli: "Half mile ..."

Me: "Why are we driving half a mile to walk to drive back home?"

(further update: we now walk to our walk ... and walk back home. And life is good.)

home

Another major chapter of my life has closed and I feel like I am staring at the next page which appears to be empty ... or at least written in a foreign alphabet. Maybe God has drawn it with invisible markers, and slowly (ever so slowly, apparently) He will use the magic marker (the white one that reveals what is hidden) to bring various elements of the whole picture to the surface.

Anyway, so my travels back across the ocean and down to Texas went wonderfully. My flights were early, my bags did not take any unauthorized detours, and I had good conversations with various people on the planes. Yesterday was the longest day I have had in my life. I had breakfast three times ... all at breakfast time. My 30 some-odd hour day finally came to an end after taking a walk along the coast.

Oh, and a word to the wise: after a mostly veg diet for six months, it is not recommended to digest (attempt to digest) onion rings (fried) and popcorn chicken (fried) with a thick white gravy on the day of arrival. Though the food was amazingly good, I think my stomach is still working with it.

Besides that, I am recovering nicely, have a 'to-do' list that is ever growing, am moving in with my sister, and not culture shocking surprisingly (it will probably hit later ...).

'insignificant' things

Father, where shall I work today?
And my love flowed warm and free.
Then He pointed out a tiny spot,
And said, “Tend that for Me.”
I answered quickly, “Oh no, not that.
Why, no one would ever see,
No matter how well my work was done,
Not that little place for me!”
And the word He spoke, it was not stern,
He answered me tenderly,
“Ah little one, search that heart of thine;
Art thou working for them or me?
Nazareth was a little place,
And so was Galilee.”

(author unknown)

As I am about to leave India very shortly from now, my hope is to look ahead and be obedient. I pray that in those small things, I can prove faithful to where/what God has called me into. Which means shelving my pride more often and divesting me of myself to invest more deeply into others. For God is doing a new and good thing today (and tomorrow and the next ...).

2 week vacation/ transition

Just several hours ago I returned from a conference/ school on inner healing and deliverance. Half of us 'delegates' (students) were pastors or full time evangelists here in India - though from south to central to north. What an amazing time!

It was a vacation only in the fact that I took time off of work to come. Our schedule was full from morning to night with teachings, worship, and surrounded by prayer ... and of course with morning tea and afternoon tea in proper fashion.

I made so many wonderful friends and really found myself at new heights in focus, worship and prayer to God. I came in thinking that the main thing I would leave this time with was direction and guidance in knowing how to minister to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who are struggling are hurting. But God had much more in mind! I have found wonderful healing for myself in some deep wounds. Oh what fantastic freedom I have in Christ from shame and fear in particular areas! And what a joy it was to intercede in prayer for so many during this time.

Praise God that He showed up and that we were able to truly see His movements among us and through us. This is definitely one of those precious mountain top experiences.

So now what? I do not even know what the rest of July looks like beyond next week, but I am not at all worried or anxious. God has a plan and it is His ministry that I am walking by faith into. Let's see where He leads. He has promised that it will be good.

(What an amazing site to see grown men and women doing action songs declaring Christ's light has come and that God is our strong tower.)

(We had marathon ping pong fun until midnight - or later - many days nights ... and of course had great dance music going too.)

(So, what's up with this? Microphones and I use to not get along. When God puts something on your heart, you cannot help but tell.)