life, what's that

Christmas continues to draw near ever so slyly, and my days have settled into yet another routine of life, that is a life without school.

Why is it that we live without truly living? Why do we not reach for those passions in life, and instead, settle for a mere existence? I find that my days tend to just pass along, hour by hour. I do not want to simply fill my days with stuff - with work (though that is important financially and in experience), with school (though this too, when I return for grad school, is imperative), and with church (though I long for more and more). How is it that we can live for each day, knowing that now is the only now we are going to get and still live within the present of must do's (laundry, dishes, drive here, do that, etc.)? I think that most people desire a life of impact and purpose and meaning beyond themselves, but what is it that we are willing to sacrifice to quench this good desire? Apparently, not much ... otherwise more would do so.

But who knows - maybe I am the only one this applies to. In any case, there are some half-baked thoughts, but I need to get back to life.

life's little miracles (& the big ones too)

So beyond today being the last official day of my undergraduate career (yea), I also received an extra blessing while taking care of business at school. I received a scholarship letter in the mail last week telling me that I have been awarded a scholarship. I had just needed to turn in some paper work. Okay. So I am at school turning it in (and trying not to be late for my other class). I asked the very kind lady behind the desk what else I needed to do and how is my graduating this December going to work with a two semester scholarship. (My initial thought was not one of gratitude, sadly. It was more along the lines of 'of course. Finally they decide that I need money to pay for school, when I am just about to graduate and had already paid for this semester. Thanks.') Anyway, she came back, after asking her superior, with a smile on her face telling me that they are going to give me the full amount - both semesters worth! That is two thousand dollars! And the check will be mailed in the next couple of days. And then it is going straight into my savings account to await grad school. So now I can be in less debt by the time I finally finish with school! Praise God.

why India? because

I have been asked many times now (and expectantly many more to come) with confusion, astonishment, and concern, 'why are you going to India ... and to do what exactly?' Many have known about my plans to study in Berlin this coming winter/spring semester and were excited for me about that experience. On that note: no worries. I will make my way to Deutschland soon enough. For goodness sake, I have learned German! But this other thing presented itself, and I jumped in with both feet.

And it is odd, somewhat, that friends from school are equally excited or even more excited about India than Germany, while friends from both church and work seem less thrilled (I know there are you within this group that have been a great encouragement to me, so sorry to lump you into the masses ... but I have not encountered even one fellow student or professor that disapproves or disagrees or whatever). I do not know why some wish for me to reconsider.

I, like others in my generation, feel the need to have lives that have an impact, that does good for people, for the world, in general and specifically. I was introduced to EMI a little over a year ago as a possibility to what then was a searching for an answer to the whisper of purpose in my life. I fully see my life played out as a career architectural missionary in service to all nations, bringing hope to all nations. EMI's slogan is 'designing a world of hope.' Perfect! It is showing God's love practically to those who are desperate for it. My heart jumps knowing that God has called me in ministry with Him for this reason.

So why India? Approximately a year ago, my dad and I decided that we should do one of EMI's short term missions (two weeks-ish long) - he as the structural engineer and I as the draftsman. We had done local service together, but an international mission would be an extra blessing to serve alongside my father. And he was so excited (and jealous) when plans for my serving in Poland were underway. Just because this is now no longer possible does not mean that God has taken away my heart, willingness, and ability for international service. And as my undergraduate career was coming to a close, timing worked out that I had this considerable block of time open before I could begin graduate school. With this and other happenings, there were just so many open doors that it floored me.

I have been in communication with several current mission-minded people, and all of them have a particular people on their heart. I do not have that (yet?) - my focus is still the nations. Does this mean that I have not met other missionaries that are not solely attached to one location? or Will I develop a burdened heart for a people group, I just have to find them? or Is my call simply different and purposefully global? I know not. But in any case, I move ahead with what lies before me.

I guess now I will get to confuse Spanish, German AND Hindi when searching for a word. So why India? Because God said so.

Black Thursday

Something is amiss. I understand that technically this was Thanksgiving weekend, but it was not, really, at least for me. Because of a number of circumstances, one of which being the ever infamous miss-communication, the traditional Thanksgiving that I can remember throughout my lifetime did not happen this year. We would go to my dad's family with his two brothers and their families and his mother. Great cooking, lots of food and then grazing for the next couple of days, generally relaxing and laughter. However, this year, it was just my sister Kelli and I in her apartment in Austin. Do not get me wrong, we have had a great time in each other's company, but it is so familiar ... just like other weekends that I have come up to hang. And I expect the same for Christmas. I wonder if I can expect this for years to come?
On a different note: I am now Skype able. Bought a web cam and headset today (with Black Friday sales). I also got a new digital camera because I broke the display screen of my old faithful camera who survived many mis-adventures with me. But that is neither here nor there. So Skype me (tam.williamson) if you find me on or we can set up an appointment while I am in India or where ever else in the world. (It is free).

To cap off a good day, my sister and I just worked out (in an incredibly empty gym) and took showers. So life is good ... and clean.

Anyway, I have been writing this post for a couple of days now. Started with nothing but the blank screen and a swirl of ideas. Then came the first line. That is how I left it yesterday. Now, there is this, though I am in process of formulating questions that probably have no clear answers. But I will get to that tomorrow I suppose. Two of the upcoming posts are most likely going to center around: 1) what I am thankful for (might as well, and it is good to remember as often as possible); 2) people's response to India news. But I will get to that tomorrow I suppose. Until then ...

hear ye

It is official! As of yesterday night, I will be serving in India with EMI (www.emiusa.org) as an architectural intern. Two months from today all new interns will congregate in Colorado Springs, CO for orientation ... then off we go to our respective countries. I am very ready to start this next phase, even though the last bit of school is still lingering (just two half weeks, one whole week, and then finals).

Mid-January to mid-July, 6 months. This would be the longest that I have "been on assignment" away from familiar customs and traditions (and availability of certain creature comforts ... i.e. pink frosting). Strangely, I am not stressed or disconcerted by this. I have seen myself for a few years now as semi-nomadic, not grounded to any particular nation, but reaching out to all nations.

It has been my consistent prayer for many years now that God would allow me to join with Him in service, using to the fullest extent the gifts, talents, and character that He has given me and grown up in me. Whatever and however that looks like (whether with EMI (!) or Habitat for Humanity- globally or locally- or playing in my church's orchestra or Bible studies or bringing my worship to church), I am game ... the rest really is simply details to the depth of the story that is being written.

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? ' And I said, 'Here I am. Send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8)

prayer, rest, sleep

I am currently up in Menard, Texas. 'Where?!' you might ask. It is the largest town in Menard County. (Just look it up if you really are interested.) Anyway I am up here because my sister is going to be guest preaching at one of her seminary friend's church tomorrow. So she is still writing her sermon, while I am simply wasting time. It is a beautiful thing. We are all (my sister's preacher friend included) sitting in her parsonage - they in the dinning room at the table and I lounging sideways in a really comfy sofa chair, feet over one edge, messing around on my laptop, absorbing its warmth into my lap. We stayed up yesterday into early today (about 2am) thinking, questioning, and working through various scriptures and theology and lines of thought hopefully pertaining to my sister's sermon. It is interesting how much they sort through and note that does not become the 'published' piece that everyone hears.

Besides that, I also have a better appreciation for what those people waiting to be ordained as pastors go through. I did my EMI (engineering ministries international) phone interview a couple of days age. I was not nervous coming into it because I feel that this is where I need to be - out in the world, not hiding my given talents in the sand, but using them however much I can where ever I am. So in my heart, I know India is next. But anyway, the phone interview was more than I was prepared for. The intern coordinator asked me about my faith, what is the gospel and how has this affected my life, what are my practices dealing with prayer and study, and various other very loaded questions. I hope my answers were good - I do not remember what I said. I just remember praying often, 'Lord, your turn. I think this question goes to you.' I will officially find out either Monday night or Tuesday morning if India is where I am supposed to be from January to mid-July of 2008. So these few days (past and coming) have been devoted to prayer from EMI, me, my Bible study, and various other people who I have asked.

So back in Menard ... lounging in this arm chair. Both my sister's and my cell phones do not work here - meaning no calls (a struggle for her) and no instant time and no alarm clock (my struggle). We woke up at dawn (whatever time that is) and decided that we should go back to sleep. It wasn't until 9:30 ish before we got up. I made us both omelets (amazingly beautiful tri-fold, evenly cooked, spiced to each of our different tastes, cheese and ham - not bragging, really, but they were good) and then we are where we are.

I think my sister's friend is going to make ... um, allow my sister to see the sights of Menard to get out of the house. So off they go. While me, just lounging in this comfy chair, legs draped over the edge, messing around on my laptop.

joy

I am positively giddy! I do not know if I have felt joy before today - the essence of what joy stands for and brings - but here it is and here am I! Just minutes after midnight this morning, the plans that I have prepared for years now, changed. And I could not be happier for that change. I have a fantastic (most likely to become realized) opportunity to do what God has been creating me to do: to be exactly what I am. This is the source of my joy. How amazing it is to know that I am soon living into the good works planned for me in advance to administer and serve His kingdom. There is still some process involved (mainly my acceptance and a phone interview). So, instead of going to my beloved Germany to study architecture in Berlin, there is a strong possibility of working in India for Engineering Ministries International those five months in the spring of 2008 - "designing a world of hope"! That would be amazing if I also can continue on and work in Uganda during June, like I was recently planning. But if that does not happen, okay. I can work (paid work) as a house leader for local habitat or rest (imagine that) and do another Global Village Habitat project ... or maybe any other service organization that would have me.

This joy ... I never want to forget what it feels like ... where there is just no stopping an uninhibited smile that beams from ear to ear. If this is how excited I am just thinking about being in service, just imagine how off of the walls I am going to be out in the field. (I hope that this is not deflated by the upcoming all-saint's day and holidays).

tangential mind

Once again I find myself in Austin visiting my sister. She is preaching this Sunday (on the first part of Jeremiah 29) and it is my honor to come and listen and support her. I also plan to make at least one funny face at her during the sermon ... because, well, I am the younger sister and that is what we do ... but shh, she can't be expecting it.

We are sitting on one of her two couches talking a bit of theology. In a bit, my sister is going to practice her sermon on me (to get a better feel for timing, enunciating, stressing and lingering points). The goal of this weekend is productivity. Unfortunately, this is necessary. I am really looking forward to a time where every hour does not have to be accounted for - either school, work, church, or whatever else is happening. That sounds like an amazing concept, something on the sorts of going back in time to a place before life complicates itself with agendas and meetings and deadlines - where what was on tap was eat, sleep, and play outside with the neighbor kids. I am sure that this is no longer obtainable (though I might have to wait until retirement to have unbridled and unworried play again). Just having evenings without expectations sounds wonderful. Alas, a time in the future.

I refuse to be ashamed about receiving help, for investing time in a listening ear and a kind heart that is equipped to counsel. Regularly now (since about a month after my dad's death), I have met with a Stephen Minister (a laymen counselor) who has been assigned to me. Our meeting before last consisted of a long tangential conversation following my noisy, spotty line of thought. So many questions and thoughts and conceived notions of reality vs. fantasy. Noisy.

I do not think that I am living when I am not doing - out in the big world. I live with this general dissatisfication with things. I had not known the cause until possibly now. Miracles were done and felt in Guatemala this last week. The three-doctor general medicine group saw more than 540 patients up in the mountains in remote areas where for most, seeing a doctor of any type and the concept of an alleviated physical burden is a new experience. I have not yet heard about the eye team up in the same villages or the eye surgery team. But I do know this: sight was given to the blind and people were healed! Not to lessen the power of these so many miracles, but I was not there. By no means am I saying that lives cannot be changed if I am not there (I am in fact not God, shocker, I know), but I want to be there. I think that I might need to have a new definition for who I am. If who I am is defined by missional work, what happens when that is not in my calendar for that day? Maybe the answer is to always be "in mission", always serving, helping, sharing, building, whatever ... but possibly not. Who am I should be: "I am a child of God listening and following His movements" or maybe even simply "I am redeemed, claimed, and called" - the rest is just details. Can I live into this or is it simply a nice thought?

could'a, would'a, should'a

I should have been finishing getting ready to leave the country again. I would have flown out tomorrow before the sun rose to fly to Guatemala with a group from my church for my second time. They (and no longer we) will be doing medical mission stuff in the mountains. There are two teams: roaming and home. The home group does eye surgeries and other stuff (I was in the other group last year, so I really do not know specifics here), while the roaming group does eye glass fittings (figuring out what will help the Mayan peoples see better) and general medicine. Being a non-medical, last year I was adopted into the pharmacy, which means: first, deciphering doctor's handwriting; second, filling the script; and then third, sometimes having to translate what the medicines are and how they need to be taken by whom in Spanish (and then another translator puts that into their native language). I tried to avoid this last step as much as possible because my German that I am actively learning gets mixed into my Spanish which I was learning back in high school.

Anyway, so I decided that it would not be wise for me to try and make this fit into everything else that has to happen. I already had the airline reservations and all of the details worked out before it became more clear that I should not go. I could have gone, I would have gone, but I shan't go. At least not this turn around. So please join with me in praying for the team and the Guatemalans that have an opportunity to experience God and His everyday miracles and His spectacular miracles.

frosting, icee, IV fluid, oh my

I decided to lift my head out of the sand for a moment and check in. I have just opened up a new can of my infamous pink frosting (Duncan Hines strawberries 'n cream to be precise) - my "it's going to be such a really late night that I get to see the coming of morning" comfort food product, and my new favorite addition: an icee. Now, I have not had an icee for at least a decade - that is until Chicago, when one evening I was walking around south downtown and for some reason, walked into a convenience store. And it was good. The next one that I had was a couple of weeks ago at the international film festival ... two, in fact (one before the film and one after). I guess it is pretty bad when you come to the point of having to bribe your body (and force feed it through a tube after passing out) to stay awake and functioning. Which brings me back to the beginning.

About ten days ago, my life will change. I understand the squirms that some with any English grammatical experience may have with my change in tenses, but my words are carefully chosen. That weekend, while visiting my sister in Austin for a short weekend away, we fleshed out, among other things, my future as it stood and now stands. Evaluating and giving consideration to the desired influence, gain, value, and effectiveness, I decided to change. I must say that I do not truly understand why people are so frightened of change. Change is no big deal, especially when I know where I am going next. I am fine with being called out of somewhere / something as long as there is a to somewhere. It is more stressful when God does not play by these rules of mine and does not tell me the "to" part. But really, I can trust that there will always be a "to". But this is yet another tangent.

So I still plan to study architecture in Berlin from January until May of 2008. Instead of staying another two months and working at an architecture firm in Berlin, I decided to, and am extremely excited about, applying for an internship with Engineering Ministries International in their Uganda office (or their India office). Since last year when I was introduced to this organization, I have desired to work with them full-time after I am licensed. Their main slogan is "designing a world of hope". That would be an amazing opportunity to be used in such a powerful and effective ministry. But, as a plan B, I was asked if I would consider being a house-leader for Habitat for Humanity in San Antonio. The wonderful part of this scheme is one: I enjoy doing this type of work; this is what I do in my free time; and two: I would get paid a small amount as opposed to paying (which I am becoming slightly more anxious each time I think about how I am going to come up with the money to do these plans; this is where my faith gets tested). And then graduate school comes starting next fall, and unless a miracle happens (which I will welcome), in-state tuition is looking more and more friendly. Three to four semesters of grad school (depending if the school accepts my Berlin studio as one of their four required design studios), I graduate with a Master's of Architecture, a professional degree, I sit for my nine licensing exams starting six months after graduation (you are not allowed to start sooner), become licensed, and then help/design/serve ... the rest of my life. Does this phrase disconcert anyone else? ...